In The Affirmative: A new beginning

A painting by Wendy's wife Jo. Wendy says: ‘It feels like something is simmering, shimmering, starting…’

OUR MOST READ BLOGGER since 2022 is back with the tenth of a series sharing more of her story. This month she reflects on an unexpected change of direction after a heartbreak.

In the Affirmative is a monthly blog from Open Table member Wendy Young who shares her life, thoughts and experience as a queer Christian in Britain. We’d love to hear from you, too: Wendy invites readers to add their responses and reactions as we build community together. You can read the rest of the series here.

“Let’s hold onto the knowledge that what God has in store for us individually and for the whole of creation is more beautiful and more surprising than we could ever imagine.”

LAST WEEKEND we celebrated meeting an addition to our family; not in the shape of a baby but a new partner for my wife’s son. Being from South Africa, the best way I know how to have a party is to cook a staggering amount of food on the barbeque, so that’s what we did. It was truly wonderful and it has made me ponder beginnings and endings.

I had my first long-term relationship through my twenties and just into my thirties. When it ended quite dramatically after 12 years, I was rudderless. I didn’t know what food I liked, or what I would choose for myself in a clothing store, or which movie was my favourite.

For a few months, I lived alone in a flat very graciously made available to me by a church friend and, although it was more spacious than many entire family homes in the UK, I closed off the door to the large bedroom, with its double bed, and chose to sleep on the single bunk in the box room. I slept a lot, worked long hours and listened to Jesus Culture music on repeat. Many nights, my generous host would invite me over for dinner but, instead of eating, I would collapse into floods of tears and she would hold me and rock me and pray, ‘More of You, Lord. Give her more of You.’ At a time when I was in such a state of flight/flight/freeze that I could hardly keep my motorbike upright and fell over many times, she was one of the people who helped me through to the next beginning.

The other person was my psychologist. Only a day or two after ending my relationship, I knew I needed help and made contact with any and every therapist in the area. After trying seven or eight who could all only see me in a few weeks’ time, I finally got through to exactly who God had in mind for me. We started working together two days later, twice a week for many weeks in a row. When I couldn’t afford her fees any more, she discounted my rate to next to nothing, until we both knew we were done. She was incredibly gifted at her job and those sessions have taught me things about myself and about the world that have been invaluable.

Much of my processing during that time was done with pen and paper. It was an easy well-known route to follow; I wrote copiously as a teenager, mostly in private journals but also a lot of poetry, some of which was published. During my weeks of therapy, a friend introduced me to a poetry group on Facebook, and I started pouring myself out into words in that space too. What I hadn’t expected was to be so moved by what someone else posted in that group. I started looking out for her poems and the comments she made on other people’s posts. We started exchanging direct messages, soon talking deep into the night. Who needs sleep when you’re falling in love?

Wait, what? You didn’t see that coming? Neither did we! We weren’t looking for love or even a little flirtation. At all. She was a single person living in London and I was, well, you know, freshly traumatised. But she accepted my friend request and the first thing I saw on her Facebook page was an exquisite pencil drawing of a crown of thorns. She had done the sketch years before as a gift to someone who, at that moment, around the toughest Easter of my life, decided to remind her of it by posting it on Facebook. We started talking about faith and, lo and behold, her faith was as important to her as mine is to me. It was the most attractive thing about her, perhaps until she rang me one night and I heard her (posh British) accent for the first time!

We had only ever typed to each other up until that point and suddenly we both wanted a lot more. My access to the internet was limited and the time difference made things tricky, but soon we spent every moment of our free time together on video calls. We got to know each other very well and, by the time we met in person five months later, it felt like we had always been in each other’s life.

A new beginning snuck up on me when I was least expecting it. The details of it made no human sense: I was in South Africa and she was in London. I was in my thirties and she was 29 years older. Everyone we knew said we were crazy, but we knew we had found something undeniable and we were going to run with it.

We are nearly coming to the end of this particular blog series and, although I am not nearly organised enough to have planned it this way, the last part will be published in August, a full calendar year after the first. I hope it will feel like a little full circle moment to those of you who have been on this journey with me. It has been such a pleasure to write down these glimpses I have had into God’s overarching plan for my life, and sometimes of the Bigger Picture too.

Let’s hold onto the knowledge that what God has in store for us individually and for the whole of creation is more beautiful and more surprising than we could ever imagine. I really do believe that. Because I have seen, at times, that God’s love is something we can’t grasp, no matter how hard we try.

Events and people will enter and exit our lives and they change us, of course, but our foundation is strong and unshakeable: God’s love never fails.

Until next time, friends.

Wendy