Gail: 'Who I am needs no excuse'
Kintsugi: The Japanese art of making repair visible
Sometimes it feels as if I am a creation of the Japanese art-form, kintsugi, where broken pottery is glued back together with gold, silver, or platinum.
On the outside it looks weak since it is shattered and fragmented; but it is actually stronger than ever as it is joined together with valuable, precious metal. The places where it is broken have become its greatest beauty.
Sometimes I see my journey as that from caterpillar to butterfly. I wrote a poem called ‘Butterfly’ just before I came out to all my family and friends. A butterfly is one of God’s amazing creations, with an awesome transformation in appearance, movement and freedom. At the time I wrote the poem I saw myself as the caterpillar. I was trapped. I was extremely low and unhappy. I did everything I could to hide my true self. I was on the floor; unable to look up, or forward. I had little hope for the future.
Caterpillar, chrysalis, butterfly
A few years ago I underwent serious surgery. There was a real risk that I might not come through it. I wrote letters to my family and closest friends telling them that I was gay. It was a way of sharing the struggle I’d had, trying to reconcile my faith and my sexuality. I’d been part of several evangelical fundamentalist churches for many years. They had given me the clear message that I was sinful and that it was wrong to be what I was.
Just before my surgery, I made the mistake of confiding in a pastor’s wife about my sexuality. I was instantly taken off the church’s refreshments team and technical team. Worst of all, for me, I was taken off the worship team, which had meant a lot to me. I was told I was created perfect, but that I had ‘become flawed’. I was advised, and encouraged, to go to a another church in the city to undertake their ‘conversion therapy’ programme. I seriously considered doing this. At the time I honestly believed what I’d been told by the church: that I was not who God wanted me to be, that it was a sin to be what I was. My church began to make it very difficult for me to belong, and gradually pushed me out. I can’t put into words how much that hurt. I felt broken, deeply ashamed about being me.
Gail today
When I came through my surgery, I burnt all those ‘coming out’ letters I had written. I had only intended to them to be sent if I was no longer here. But writing those letters had created great turmoil in me. I moved between longing to tell people that I was gay, and wanting to hide it deeper.
Then, I found Open Table, and my heart, mind and soul began to see things in a new way….
It was like a refreshing spiritual awakening to a life that I never knew could exist. Through Christian spiritual counselling, and in the safety of Open Table, I came to see the scriptures in a new, true light. The texts that had previously seemed to judge me, showed me now that there was much more to life… and much more to me… than crawling as a caterpillar. I began my very own transformation, and wrote this poem about it:
Butterfly
You say the world needs to see my butterfly fly as she was intended to,
but flying is something I don't know how to do.
For years I have been hiding who I really want to be,
so I could not escape my chrysalis and be free.
I have tried so hard to accept and love who I am,
but the tears keep flooding as if breaking a dam.
I need to be brave and step into my future as God wants me to do,
I must trust God when He says 'I created you and I love you'.
The future is scary because it is unknown,
but my God the seeds on my path has already sown.
My beautiful butterfly I must somehow release,
if I am ever to have any peace.
Help me, Lord, to learn how to spread my wings,
so that a new song I can sing.
I want to soar high in the sky,
and to be happy and no longer cry.
I am who I am, and who I am needs no excuse,
Lord give me courage my chrysalis to loose.
Tomorrow is the start of my future as it is a new day,
which brings new promise, I have to say.
I have spent too long letting my life pass me by,
but now it is time to learn how to fly.
So, you may meet my butterfly very soon,
as God gives me victory as my signature tune!
I am pleased to say that I am now OUT and PROUD. My chrysalis has gone. I deeply thank Open Table for helping me to be FREE to be ME. All of my family, friends, and work colleagues know I am gay. I wear an LGBT lanyard with pride at work. I walk in Pride. I now sing in the worship group as ME. This is incredibly different to my past experience of church: being allowed to sing in a worship group only by hiding my true identity. I also lead Open Table services now.
I am kintsugi! I have been deeply fractured and broken, and carry the scars of my brokenness, but with God, and my wonderful Christian friends, I have been pieced back together. My brokenness, my scars, are now my strength. After a lifetime of feeling fragmented by fear and shame, coming out has made me complete. God has been at work in my life, healing the damage and pain caused by previous churches. His love, grace and mercy have been the gold and silver that have glued back together my brokenness, making me strong and whole… as God created me to be.
