This is my story: Called by name
Image by Marybeth from Pixabay of the Chapel of Thanksgiving, Thanks-Giving Square, Dallas, USA.
“God wants and loves me as I am, and had never called me to an impossible task.”
‘This is my story’ is an occasional series of short devotions, based around the Bible, the experiences of Open Table members, reflection and prayer.
In the latest episode, Kai Ochnio, a member of our Open Table Salford community, reflects on God’s unconditional love and recognition, belonging and redemption.
Reading
‘Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name. You are mine.’
- Isaiah 43:1 NRSVA
Reflection
My final year of primary school was tremendously formative. It was the year that I realised two things: my gender identity was not the same as my sex assigned at birth, and I felt a call towards ordained ministry. What a weight for a 12-year-old, female-presenting child to carry, in a denomination that does not ordain women!
I had no idea what to do with all that. I couldn’t wrap my head around it:
‘Why can’t I follow the same path as the boys when I feel that I am a boy? Why would God give me this burden?’
It felt profoundly unfair - cruel even - to be called to something impossible.
As I grew older, those questions got louder and angrier:
‘Why does my church reject me and deny my very existence?
Why are some people’s God-given gifts accepted while others’ are disregarded?
Why am I only welcome if I pack away parts of my identity?’
That rage drove me away from church for over a decade.
Turning thirty brought a fresh perspective for me. That was when I returned to church, this time to a different denomination. The words of Isaiah 43:1 brought me great comfort:
‘Do not fear: I have called you by name.’
It still brings me comfort today when I struggle with imposter syndrome. It tells me that God wants and loves me as I am, that God has always loved me and will love me throughout my transition, and that God had never called me to an impossible task. God wanted me when I was living as a girl, and wants me now.
That was when I embraced what I had known for so long about my gender identity, and picked a new name. And then, when I was least expecting it, God called me again.
God called me by my name, by the new name I had chosen for myself, and I felt so shocked. I had not expected to feel this way again, and I still wrestle with the fear that I will be rejected again by the Church. But God’s words from Isaiah still ring in my ears:
‘I have redeemed you. You are mine.’
Reflect for a moment:
Is there a time in your life when you have faced an impossible task? How did it feel?
Was there anything that comforted you when you felt that way? It could be a Bible verse, a poem, a cuddly toy, a person’s encouragement. Does it still bring you comfort?
Looking back at your younger self, what would you share with them about their future and their faith?
Prayer
Loving God,
You have known me
longer than I can remember.
You have been with me
in my joy, my anger and my fear.
When I thought I was alone,
you were still there.
You love me
even when I cannot love myself.
You never give up on me,
even when I am far away and cannot hear you.
You call me by name.
Guide me on my journey of listening,
and help me to hear your voice.
Give me courage and strength,
that I may face the future
with the faith and knowledge
that I am yours.
In Jesus’ name,
Amen
Author
Kai Ochnio (they/he) attends Open Table Salford, where they also volunteer at concerts. Originally from Poland, Kai is now going through the discernment process with the Church of England. In their spare time, they enjoy reading and meeting other people’s pets.
