‘You're not… what you thought, ok?’ - Coming out as a queer Christian

Wendy Young

TODAY, 11th October, is marked around the world as ‘Coming Out Day’.

Coming Out Day is based on the belief that prejudice against LGBTQIA+ people thrives in an atmosphere of silence and ignorance, and that once people know that they have loved ones who are LGBTQIA+, they are far less likely to maintain prejudiced or oppressive views.

Wendy Young shares her coming out story:

When I came out to my family I was 17. That was nearly 30 years ago and here's how it went:

I was brought up in South Africa in the Dutch Reformed Church. My dad worked full-time, and in his free time he was studying theology. He wanted to be a missionary.

He was engrossed in something on TV. Abruptly I switched it off and said I needed to say something. I called my mum from the kitchen, and my 12 year old sister into the room as well, and felt my mouth go dry as they anxiously stared at me.

‘I'm homosexual.’

No lead-up, no explanation, no euphemisms. (Not like my one friend who drew a straight line on a piece of paper and then drew a diagonal line next to it and said ‘I'm this one’.)

My mum spoke first:

‘I thought you were going to say you were pregnant.’

She looked relieved.

My dad, however, had turned a funny colour.

‘Let's not call it that. Let's not tell people. It'll pass.’

Mum again:

‘How do you know? Wouldn't you have to… try it first?’

Without sharing the details, I reminded her of my recent friendship with a certain older woman. It ended abruptly after a sleepover at her house. I also said something I knew my mum would enjoy hearing:

‘You were right. When you said I was in love with my teacher, a year ago. I was. I'm sorry I made you feel bad for saying it.’

My little sister looked at me with big blue eyes:

‘I thought you said you wanted to have babies. How is that going to work?’

I said I'd make a plan when the time came and that I did still want them, yes.

My dad's solution to the ‘problem’ was that we needed to call in the help of the minister who was all too eager to come and talk me round. What he did, instead, was talk me ‘out’ of it! I had never felt more gay than when he couldn't even say the words and skimmed over it with a pat on the shoulder and the rock-solid:

‘You're not… what you thought, ok?’

Three decades later, my parents and sister all absolutely adore my wife, are over the moon for how beautiful our relationship is, and how happy we are together. When I visited South Africa recently and prayed before our meal, my dad said he had never heard a prayer like mine before. When I asked what he meant, he said that my relationship with God is obviously very close and joyous, and that my prayer showed that.

I'm glad my dad could see that. I know that my family have had to defend their support of me and my wife to their own church, and that it is best for everyone if I don't attend there when I visit. It's hard for my family to reconcile what they understand the Bible to say about homosexuality. I don't try and debate the issue any more - it's enough to see how much they love me and how they can see the fruit of the Spirit in my life.

Vicky Beeching

I’ve been inspired by Vicky Beeching, a former Christian worship music singer who came out publicly in the media in 2014. She wrote in her autobiography Undivided: Coming Out, Becoming Whole, and Living Free From Shame, about her grandfather, also a missionary like my father.

When she came out to him, he offered to buy a set of CDs containing Christian teaching on how to be healed of homosexuality. But, after a two-hour conversation, they agreed: ‘It is… God’s job to judge, and my job to love.’

After her grandfather died, Vicky wrote about her grandfather:

‘Even in his nineties, he was open-hearted and open-minded; in our discussions about LGBTQ equality, he'd say "help me to understand where I might have misunderstood the Bible all these years". If someone that age is open to re-visiting their perspective on things, there's hope for everyone.’