The reconciling power of conversation
Augustine Tanner-Ihm is an African-American activist, writer, speaker who is a curate at St James & Emmanuel, Manchester, and a Doctoral Student in Leadership, Culture, and Practical Theology at Bakke Graduate University. He was also the winner of the 2020 Church Times Theology Slam competition.
OTN TRUSTEE Augustine Tanner-Ihm reflects on finding reconciliation after being uninvited from a student ministry outreach event because of his involvement with the Open Table Network.
AS A US citizen in the UK, my experience of British culture is that it strongly avoids creating conflict. We are taught that it’s better to be quiet than to make a fuss about something.
The British are relatively indirect communicators; they take all necessary measures to remain polite throughout the discussion. This involves making statements that vaguely communicate their message without ‘rocking the boat’ (upsetting the status quo). As a result, people must often read between the lines since what is said is most likely an understatement of what is meant (e.g. ‘not bad’ means something is in fact quite good).
“He judged me based on an assumption about what he thought he knew. If a conversation had taken place sooner, maybe this experience of exclusion would have been handled better or avoided completely. ”
But to avoid all conflict is impossible. Even those who have a more isolated lifestyle can attest to some conflict. What often causes conflict is judging other people and situations before understanding the background or the framework. My adopted mother, Patty Ihm, would always tell me, ‘Behind every face there is a story’. She writes more in her book: Isn't That Enough? Musings of Motherhood and the Meaning of Life. This has stayed with me when I look back at my life, and it informs my ministry and relationships. I know it’s easy to pre-judge before knowing the entire context. But we must reject that impulse.
In March, I wrote a blog post about being uninvited from a Christian event because of my association with the Open Table Network. This caused a lot of pain and feelings of exclusion. After some time to process, I finally asked the person for a reconciling conversation. The reason I felt this to be needed was because one of the beautiful sacraments that have come from the ministry of Jesus is reconciliation. As followers of Jesus, we are to practice this ministry regularly (2 Corinthians 5:11-21). As Saint Paul says, God calls us to, ‘if it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone’ (Romans 12:18).
Therefore, I wanted to have a reasonable conversation and time of prayer and reconciliation with that person, whom I felt judged me wrongly, and deeply hurt me. We met (with an agreed third party), and I expressed my feelings and my background. He admitted that he pre-judged me and my theological background.
He also misunderstood the direct aims of the Open Table Network. This Network is not a church or a lobby group. Rather it’s a safe space where LGBTQIA+ people and allies can come together and worship God. Many of the people for whom we provide space are people who have been hurt by the Church, or individual Christian people. We care for people pastorally. We are not affiliated with any denomination - churches from five different traditions (Baptist, Church of England, Church in Wales, Methodist and United Reformed) currently host Open Table communities in England and Wales, so we are a dispersed community representing diverse theologies. We exist to make sure LGBTQIA+ folks and allies can express their faith safely.
This was a surprise to this person. He had thought that the Open Table Network was something very different. He judged me based on an assumption about what he thought he knew. If a conversation had taken place sooner, maybe this experience of exclusion would have been handled better or avoided completely.
We live in a time when people prefer to live in echo chambers with others who think just like them. We at times feel attacked when opposing views or perceptions of groups that seem to be different from us. Throughout the synoptic gospels (Matthew, Mark and Luke), Jesus is judged by the people with whom he associated. People hated him without getting to know who he was.
